At work, we've had a few issues this past month. In my capacity as a supervisor, I oversee a small limb of a giant being, and I was told that there were reasons some of these issues arose, that I couldn't understand them. I was given explanations for my concerns, and I understood. It didn't make the past month's issues any easier, but I could see that there were greater machinations in place.
One thing I've learned in the past few years--as I had my little bouts with mortality--is that job issues aren't truly important. I love my job, but it's just a job--it doesn't identify me.
I like to think that when we die, we get answers to truly important questions. I like to think there's some sort of greater machination in place, that life's ugly little knots truly are part of a beautiful tapestry.
A couple months ago, I wrote about my friend Sara's daughter Eliza, who was to undergo a heart-lung transplant. I requested that you pray for her, or send good thoughts, or healing light--whatever you do. There was a spot of infection on the lungs, so ultimately the transplant wasn't possible. So they went back to waiting. In the Universe's greater machinations, another child got the heart transplant, and a shot at a healthy life.
I guess I want Somebody to explain why. Why Eliza didn't get that shot. Why she lived 17 years, sick the entire time, and she came thisfreakingclose. Hell, I'd love to know why she was born sick in the first place. Sara and Bubba were two of my best friends when I was at FSU, and they were both awesome people, so why?? And why did Eliza have to die on Christmas Day?
Sara sent a beautiful e-mail, and I'll be presumptuous enough to reprint part of it:
Recently someone wrote to me and told me the angels were pulling Eliza toward heaven but she keeps defying them. Well, early this morning the angels won. But, as Aunt Mindy said, it was a heck of a tug of war. God gave her to us and He wanted her back. She is in His arms this morning.
Christmas is the day where Christendom celebrates Jesus' birth, and that God was given human form to live among us and save us and bring us peace. I guess I'd wonder why kids like Eliza are born to suffer. But while her body suffered, her mind and spirit were amazing. She uplifted everyone around her, and--as Sara said--"Eliza lived the fullest of lives; there was no child on the planet more loved and who KNEW IT!"
Maybe in the greater machinations, Eliza wasn't afflicted with a curse, but blessed with a gift. Maybe her death on Christmas Day wasn't a tragedy. Maybe the fact that a grieving mother can be so positive and grateful…maybe that's the beautiful, miraclulous tapestry made up of seemingly cruel knots.
Christian Story of Jesus's Birth Is a Myth Born of Politics By Rev. Howard Bess
Disgusted Cornish complain to race chiefs about being called 'inbred'
Was Shakespeare a secret Catholic? The evidence is mounting…
We do: Mexico City blazes trail with legalisation of same-sex marriage
What Does College Football Have to Do With Abortion? Tons, According to Anti-Choice Wingnuts
Punk band X still rocking after 32 years
Hi, I find you totally offensive
2010 preview: Tooth-mounted hearing aid for the masses
Ballistic penises and corkscrew vaginas - the sexual battles of ducks
Sausages used in suicide bomb plot gone wrong
Uncovered days before Christmas: Is this the Nazareth home where Jesus prayed?
Why not they get just as much of a response. Michigan kids write letters to Baby Jesus instead of Santa
NZ policewoman allows naked cycling - with helmet
The Ten Worst Nightmares Bush Inflicted on America
Anger as Pius moves closer to sainthood
Vatican paper says 'The Simpsons' are okely dokely
The very merry Christmas wine guide: Decanter lists a tipple for each festive moment
GOP's New Prayer Guru Says Gays Possessed By Demons
Gun-toting Jesus in yard display sparks controversy
Glenn Beck's Year of Wild Conspiracies, Paranoid Delusions and Cynical Lies
Terry Gilliam's Three-Reel Circus
Eighth Graders In Oral Plea - Georgia students engaged in classroom sex act while teacher present
China plucks popular 'Snail House' TV show off the air
Scrubby oak lauded as oldest known living organism
'Thou shalt shoplift' says priest
Top 10 ways to celebrate the Winter Solstice like a Pagan, no matter which religion you observe
Winter solstice attracts more than just druids to Stonehenge
Solstice sunrise at Stonehenge obscured by fog
Winter Solstice 2009: Contemplating the Darkest Day
Archaeologists to explore feasting habits of ancient builders of Stonehenge
A Holiday Special: The Pagan Roots of Christmas
Holiday spirit: These 3 drinks of disorient are
Dark Liquor Makes For Worse Hangovers
The wait is finally over for the Stooges
Convicted for Being Naked in Own Home, Man Complains of ‘Living in a Fishbowl’
Holy See declares unique copyright on Papal figure
Should Vanity Fair Put Stephen Colbert on the Cover?
Socola Sisters and the Chocolate Factory
10 Ways to Screw Over the Corporate Jackals Who've Been Screwing You
Topless Bike Protest In Williamsburg Latest Hipster-Hasidic Jew Battle
Support Lower For U.N. Text on Religion Defamation
Maverick Guitar Builder Makes Music Out of Steel and Weather
Censorship row at Index on Censorship
Orangutan takes her own photos
Conservative Christians Don't Crown 'Princess and the Frog'
Daytime Drinking: Entertaining and Unpredictable
"Onward Christian Athletes": Tom Krattenmaker's Book Explores Evangelical Monopoly In Sports World
Hmmmmm since 2005 Lego's popularity has gone up too....Data Confirm Sharp Increase in Bacon on Burgers and More
The Religious Right's Potty Paranoia
Dying to look good: French king's mistress killed by drinking gold elixir of youth
Many drink 'more than they think'
Photos add fuel to 'Iris' star's sex scandal
Ganja Gourmet becomes first marijuana restaurant to open
Brazilian authorities: Stepdad stuffed little boy's body with needles in religious ritual
CRUNCHYROLL EXPANDS THEIR J-POP AND J-ROCK ONLINE MUSIC CATALOGS WITH SUPERSTAR GROUPS
Gynaecologist's three-year ordeal ends as 'fantasist with excessive libido' drops her case
An "Undersea Nuclear Christian Warrior" on Wheel of Fortune
Art Review | '5,000 Years of Japanese Art' Cleaning Out Closets, Reuniting Old Friends
Fine for Google over French books
J-pop and Purikura: The Next Wave in Nighttime Fun?
Christian Scientists seek prayer provision
'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign over Auschwitz is stolen, prompting fears Nazis took it
Disconnect #1:
Puddin's text message was simple: "J hung himself."
The implications are far more complicated. Puddin has the sense of relief that her ex-husband won't be stalking her anymore, that the past few years' nightmare of frivolous custody suits, unsent child-support, and threats has ended. The down side…how do you explain to a seven year-old that the father who has only been there sporadically is dead? How do you explain that this father loved you, but he hanged himself?
A few miles up I-75, my friend's daughter, Eliza, has coded four times in the past week. She's fighting for her life, fighting the way she's had to her entire 16 years. She's waiting on a heart-lung transplant, eager to grow up and have problems.
There's a disconnect somewhere in this world. How one person can hate life so much that he snuffs it, while another person has battled her entire 16 year life to stay alive--I wish we could just transfer the healthy life spark from one person to another. I mean, it would have been no big deal for J to code--he wanted to go. Let Eliza be up and walking around, and J could segue into wherever abusive bastards are sent afterwards.
Disconnect # 2:
A couple weeks ago, I was surfing around the interwebs, and I stumbled across the video of Bud Dwyer, then the Pennsylvania Treasurer, holding a press conference. After making a statement, in which he professed his innocence, he gave envelopes to three of his aides, then pulled out a .357 Magnum and shot himself in the head. BOOM! Right there on live TV. (you can link to the video from wikipedia's article on Bud Dwyer) All I could think of was, "That doesn't even look real."
The next night, I watched "Boys Don't Cry," in which the protagonist is shot under the chin. All I could think was, "Now THAT is what it's supposed to look like!"
It was vaguely discomfiting seeing an actual gunshot suicide happen; even more horrible was that I judged it as lacking compared to the special effects extravaganza in the movie.
Disconnect #3:
I've written before about my extreme dislike of X-mas, which I differentiate from Christmas. X-mas contains all the frenzy: shopping, parties, stress, presents, et cetera ad valium. Christmas is a pretty straightforward message of peace. Once again, I'm up to my ass in X-mas, and have been since Black Friday. Christmas will be fine and peaceful, but it only lasts a day. Is it worth it? All the madness and mayhem--just for one day where people are less dickish to one another?
Don't ask me that tonight.
Last night, I lay in bed thinking about my life. I've been depressed and alcoholic, where my first thought upon awakening each day was, "Oh, shit; again?" I've also been really sick, where I was 24 hours away from dying. As I lay there, I focused on my breathing, on the fact that I'm not battling for breath. I thought about my job. Yeah, it's stressful as hell this time of year, but it's not too bad. I thought about my people, about Team Punkin and my various partners in crime, about friends nearby and afar. I treasured that even though I'm not wealthy, I have a nice apartment I can afford. Even though it was muggy outside, it was cool inside. I was breathing on my own, without equipment to assist me or monitor me.
I thought how nice it would be if Eliza gets her ultimate Christmas gift, and if Puddin' and her son can find a little peace somewhere in this mad X-mas frenzy.
Are Americans a Broken People? Why We've Stopped Fighting Back Against the Forces of Oppression
Irish bishop Donal Murray resigns over abuse report
Shaolin Temple's kung fu monks prepare IPO
There's More to Sex Than a Cum Shot to the Face: What Men Should Unlearn from Hardcore Porn
'God was a hard act to follow': Catholics outraged as church billboard shows Joseph and Mary in bed
Couples Who Do the Dishes Together Stay Happier
Gynaecologist gave patient two orgasms in under two minutes
Guess What? Casual Sex Won't Make You Go Insane
Was Italian government duped into paying £3m for 'fake' Michelangelo wooden carving?
Should Uganda debate gay execution?
BBC news website asks users: 'Should homosexuals face execution?'
You wouldn't want this on your toast: 100-year-old pat of butter found at Scott's Antarctic base
Metallica singer donates land to Marin County
'Offensive' pornographic Gillray cartoons banned for more than a century uncovered in museum
Stowaway tomcat turns up 500 miles away in Spain after hitching a ride on cross-Channel ferry
Flowers found in Bronze Age grave
'Sharp decline' in faith as number of Christians in Britain falls to half
The Salvation Army - naughty or nice?
Black magic fears as boy, 2, is hospitalised with 50 sewing needles inside his body
'Jesus-era' burial shroud found
Burial cloth found in Jerusalem cave casts doubt on authenticity of Turin Shroud
Woman's life made 'unbearable' by insatiable libido
Female armed robber stripped, beaten and set alight by angry lynch mob
Indian sect members vow to marry sex workers
'Four-year campaign of abuse from parishioners' forces vicar and his family from their home
(VIDEO) "Ex-Gay" Movement Inflames Homophobia Here and Abroad
Going Undercover in the Crazy, Tragic World of Christian Gay-Conversion Therapy
I, Robot: Buy your own android double for Christmas
Some Sacramento-area faithful turn backs on pastors, 'spiritual abuse'
Scientology Crusade: Coming to Your Neighborhood
'Out West' at the Autry examines the history of homosexuals and transgender people in the Old West
Viruses That Leave Victims Red in the Facebook
Christian Kink: Why Traditional Religion and Non-Traditional Sex Are a Good Match
Oregon City faith healers say son's death was not a crime
Gallery admits 'most important' portrait of Bonnie Prince Charlie is actually of his brother
9 Silly Things People Say When They Hear You Don't Want Kids (And Ways to Counter Them)
At "Breakthrough" Meeting, Holy See "Condemns Criminalization of Homosexual Conduct"
Menopause, as Brought to You by Big Pharma
Mendocino County's dog-friendly wineries
Champagne is as good for the heart as cocoa - but more fun, scientists find
People who look young for their age 'live longer'
Blackwater Guards Tied to Secret C.I.A. Raids
Extreme fear: could you handle it?
Facebook Backs Off as Founder's Pictures Go Public
A History of Odes to the Chief
Taming dogs with a mean streak
Family Portraits of all 56 ethnic groups in China
10 Most Magnificent Trees in the World.
My Groups
-
News We're Not Getting From MSM Updated: 9 hours ago
-
Philosophy of Science, Physics, Metaphysics Updated: Yesterday
-
MINERVA: A Global Women's Discussion Group Updated: Yesterday
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
Links from my Friends
I flew with Ted Kennedy once. It was a Delta shuttle betw...
http://www.jesterarts.net R...
JesterArts wears many hats, but prefers just one...The Je...
Go Green With Greenscreen G...
Greenscreen Graphics, Logos, Designs, Business Identity W...
Free (for Non-Profit Use Il...
AO-Maru is ready to plant some rainforests! This image is...
Jewish Refugees from Arab C...
Although much is heard about the plight of the Palestinia...
